I had a breakdown in the midwife's office last week. It all suddenly became too much for me - I had gained 8 lbs in a month (bringing my total to 12 lbs gained for this pregnancy so far), my blood sugar was slightly elevated, and I generally felt scared that I wouldn't be able to escape what happened last time.
She listened and assured me that, even if we ended up in the hospital, she wouldn't abandon us. She also told me that I'm doing everything possible to ensure a good outcome and that I needed to let go of controlling the process.
She was right. I thought long and hard that day and made the decision to completely surrender this birth to G-d. The results were almost immediate. The sun seemed brighter, my step was lighter, it was easier to pick up the Hippo, and I slept peacefully at night. My blood sugar numbers went down.
I have been living like this for a week now and I'm a much calmer and happier person. I have made the word "surrender" into my mantra. I can now visualize the birth taking place here in my house.